The funeral is over. The flowers have been delivered. The cards and messages have slowed down. Family and friends begin returning to their everyday lives. And suddenly, you may find yourself wondering:
What happens now?
For some people, the weeks after a funeral can feel harder than the days before it.
There has been so much to organise and so many things to do. Perhaps you have been surrounded by family, making arrangements, answering messages and simply getting through each day. Then the funeral happens.
And afterwards, there can be a strange quietness. The person you love is still gone. But the practical things that needed to be done have, for the most part, been done. This can be when the reality of the loss begins to feel different.
Grief doesn’t follow a timeline
It can be tempting to think that there are certain points when grief should feel better. Three months. Six months. A year.
But grief doesn’t work like that. Psychotherapist and bereavement specialist Julia Samuel describes how grief takes longer than we often expect. She encourages people not to compare their timeframe with somebody else’s or with expectations such as, “It’s been six months now, you should be getting back to normal.”
There is no deadline for grief. You might have a day when you laugh and enjoy yourself, followed by a day when you miss the person terribly. You might feel that you are beginning to find your way forward and then something completely unexpected brings the grief back. A song. A smell. A birthday card in a shop. A familiar place. An ordinary Tuesday. These moments don’t necessarily mean that you are going backwards. They may simply be part of learning how to live with a loss that has changed your life.
The first few months: when the busyness stops
Around two or three months after a death, some people find that the initial support has reduced. People may assume that you are “doing better”. You may be back at work. You may be looking after other family members. You may even be doing things that make you feel relatively normal again. But inside, you may still be exhausted. There can also be a sense of disbelief. The funeral has happened, but the permanence of the loss can still be difficult to take in.
What might help?
Try not to expect too much from yourself.
For now, think about the basics:
- Eat regularly, even if you don’t feel like cooking.
- Try to get some sleep and rest where you can.
- Get outside if you are able to.
- Keep some structure to your day.
- Give yourself permission to say no.
- Talk about the person who has died if you want to.
- Allow yourself to have difficult days without judging yourself for them.
Julia Samuel’s Pillars of Strength include looking after the mind and body, creating structure, recognising our limits, expressing emotions and maintaining relationships. These are useful reminders that supporting grief isn’t just about talking about the death. It is also about supporting the whole person as they adjust to what has changed.
Around six months: “Shouldn’t I be better by now?”
This can be a difficult point. There may be fewer obvious reminders from other people that you have experienced a loss. Everyone else may appear to have moved on. And you might wonder whether you should have moved on too.
But moving forward isn’t the same as moving on. You can begin to rebuild your life while still missing someone. You can experience happiness and grief at the same time. You may also begin to notice some of the changes that come with the loss. Perhaps you have had to take on responsibilities that used to belong to someone else. Perhaps family relationships have changed. Perhaps you have lost not only the person, but also a role, routine, friendship, financial security or sense of identity. This is one reason grief can continue to unfold long after the funeral.
A useful question to ask yourself.
Rather than: “Why am I not over this yet?”
Try: “What do I need now?”
The answer might be different from what you needed three months ago. You may need more connection. You may need some time alone. You may need practical help. You may need to talk about what has happened. Or you may simply need someone to sit alongside you while you work out what life looks like now.
Around twelve months: the first anniversary
The first anniversary can bring another wave of emotion. There may be birthdays, Christmas, holidays and other important dates that have already been difficult. Then suddenly you reach the anniversary of the death.
Sometimes people expect this day to be unbearable. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn’t. You might feel sad, angry, relieved, numb, grateful, peaceful or even surprisingly okay. There is no correct way to experience an anniversary.
You might want to visit a particular place. Light a candle. Look through photographs. Spend time with family. Talk about the person. Do something they loved. Or perhaps you don’t want to mark the day at all.
You get to decide what feels right for you. And if the anniversary catches you by surprise, that is okay too.
Beyond the first year?
This is perhaps one of the most important things I want people to know about grief:
There isn’t a point where you are supposed to stop missing someone. Grief can change. The intensity may lessen. You may become more able to carry the loss alongside the rest of your life. But there may still be moments when you wish you could tell that person something. There may still be days when you want to hear their voice. There may still be times when the absence feels enormous. This doesn’t mean you haven’t healed. It means the relationship mattered.
Julia Samuel describes the process as finding ways to rebuild our lives while continuing to acknowledge the significance of the person we have lost. Her Pillars of Strength include our relationship with others and with the person who has died, our relationship with ourselves, emotional expression, time, mind and body, limits, structure and focusing on the present.
These aren’t steps that you complete one after another. They are areas we can return to as life changes.
What can you do when grief feels overwhelming?
You don’t have to solve everything.Start small.
1. Get through today
If thinking about the next year feels impossible, bring your attention back to today. What do you need this morning? What would make this afternoon a little easier? What is one thing you need to do — and one thing you don’t?
2. Keep talking
Find someone you trust who is comfortable talking about the person who has died. You don’t have to talk about your grief every time you see them. But knowing that you can is important.
3. Look after your body
Grief can be physically exhausting. Food, sleep, movement, fresh air and rest can sound like very ordinary things, but they matter. The NHS also recommends regular meals, exercise where possible, talking about feelings and setting small, manageable goals when coping with bereavement.
4. Give yourself permission to have different days
A difficult day isn’t necessarily a setback. And a good day doesn’t mean you have stopped grieving. You are allowed to have both.
5. Notice what support you need now
Your needs may change. Perhaps initially you needed practical help. Later, you may need someone to listen. You might need support around work, relationships, family changes or the person you are becoming after the loss. And sometimes professional bereavement support can provide a space to explore these things without having to protect the people around you.
If you are supporting someone who is grieving
You don’t need to have the answers. Instead:
Keep in touch. Don’t disappear because you are worried about saying the wrong thing.
Remember the important dates. A message around a birthday, anniversary or Christmas can let someone know that their loss hasn’t been forgotten.
Say their name. If it feels appropriate, talk about the person who died.
Listen rather than fix. You don’t need to make the pain disappear.
Offer something practical. A meal. A lift. A walk. Help with shopping. Sitting together.
Keep checking in. Three months, six months and twelve months are not deadlines for grief to end. They can simply be reminders to ask:
“How are you really doing?”
When might someone need more support?
There is no requirement to reach a particular point before asking for help. You might seek support because the grief feels overwhelming. You might feel stuck. You might be struggling to function day-to-day. You might be experiencing intense guilt, anxiety or anger.
Or perhaps you simply want somewhere safe to talk about what has happened and what life looks like now. For some people, grief can remain extremely difficult for many months or years and can significantly affect everyday life. The NHS advises seeking professional help where symptoms of prolonged grief are causing significant difficulty.
Asking for support isn’t a sign that you aren’t coping. Sometimes it is simply a way of not having to carry everything on your own.
There is no “right” way to grieve
Perhaps the most important thing is this you don’t have to do grief perfectly.
There is no correct number of tears. No correct number of months. No correct way to remember someone. And no moment when you are required to say, “I’m over it now.”
Grief changes us. Over time, we can begin to find ways of carrying the loss while also making room for life. Sometimes that means taking one day at a time. Sometimes it means leaning on the people around us. And sometimes it means finding a safe space to talk with someone who understands that grief doesn’t end when the funeral does.
If you are supporting someone after a loss you don’t need to take their grief away. Just keep showing up. That may be one of the most helpful things you can do.
Julie Shehata-Morgan (MBACP)
Thinking counselling might help? Reach out and let’s have a free 15-minute chat. We can talk about what’s going on and see whether counselling – and whether I’m the right person to support you – feels like a good fit.